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THEN AND NOW

BY JOCELYN CUTIE

Before spelling there was nothing. There sometimes was the slightest glimmer of light in whatever hell I inhabited. The light was mainly emanated by my parents. But the world was mainly dark: I had no way of telling them that I was in this body. I had no means of communication. But I was totally one of the lucky ones. Had Mom and Dad not taken me to see Judy, the nightmare would never have ended. I am getting so teary now, just thinking about then and now.

12/10/2024 0 Comments

Healing

Hallmark Moment: I get my happiness quotient from M2H every time I walk in. Call me crazy: happiness is getting cheered for just walking in. Girls just want to have fun, after all. May I Hallmark Moment again? After having seen Alex, no one comes close. Happiness itself is walking into this place and seeing him.

I remember the loneliness only too well, for all my life before spelling. I am traumatized still, because it was so many years of fears that not only was I trapped, but that no one would ever know me.

So now, happiness means more to me than anything. I can say that I have healed a lot in these last few months. After having no one know me, now I have so many friends. Being here is, in my estimation, the most healing thing that could ever have happened to me.

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11/19/2024 0 Comments

My Date

On Saturday I had a date with Alex. He may not have known it was a date…but I did. I should mention that he definitely has some inkling that I like him, ‘cause I am anything but subtle. I am hanging it all out there for the world to see. I am like a love streaker: no shame. Besides Alex and me, my parents and Judy were there…more’s the pity. Alex and I ate the same lunch, ‘cause we’re soul mates.
And quite a lot of the conversation was about my love for Alex…at least in my head it was.

Definitely we are going to have dinner together in my new house once we move. Alex is going to be the guest of honor…and I am going to show him all the photos of him and me in my room. And we are going to have so much fun that we decide to do it every Sunday.

Believing is the key to victory.

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11/12/2024 0 Comments

House of My Dreams

I am going to move houses soon. We may have sold our house and are looking for a new one. I am excited to move really, not nervous. I am excited and almost can’t wait to move, which makes me unusual. I am ordinarily anxious about change, but not this time. This time I am happy because it is a mark of the New Joss.

New Joss is a really happy person, with friends and fun. She is going places. That is why this new house will be so wonderful. It will have no reminders of the way life used to be.

I am definitely going to decorate my room with all New-Joss things. It will be blue and white, the M2H colors. It will have real books, and lots of photos of my friends. It will have the feel of my new life. And let’s get real: it won’t have the room for all the bad memories I have. I’ll pack them up and take them to the dump.

So yeah, I can’t move fast enough. Mount Kisco, here I come!

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11/5/2024 0 Comments

Normal Me

Nothing anyone could have said could have prepared me for the awesomeness that is the M2H Dance. I have the belief that it was the most fun ever. Dancing is my favorite, and the fact that it was a no-judgment zone made it only fun. At no point did I feel self-conscious: it was beyond awesome. Even Judy’s mess up of the Macarena made no difference. The whole night told a story of speakers and nonspeakers mixing together seamlessly, with no differences between them.

I cannot remember a time in my life before M2H where I was treated as just a normal person. It was always “us” and “them”...never “we.” Because of that, I feel so normal recently. I have to tell you, that feels great. Being a normal person has always been my dream. I believe that is the magic of M2H. Outside these doors, I am disabled; inside this place, I am just Joss. I am again the person I really am, inside this nonfunctioning body.

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10/29/2024 0 Comments

Can't Wait!

I am so excited this week. Thursday is the M2H Halloween party, and then two days later is the dance. Eager to express that I am not sure I can take this level of anticipation. Because I did not have any of these sorts of things before M2H, excited is too weak a word. I know that many of you reading this will get it. All my most happy dreams are coming true.

Getting emotional for a moment, I always had interest in going to a Halloween party. Definitely it seemed like it would be hilarious. I’ve had visions of me dressed in something silly surrounded by silly looking friends. And I get to do it twice this week, ‘cause the dance is a “back-to-the-eighties” theme.

Can I make it any more clear that I am excited?

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10/8/2024 2 Comments

Judy's Birthday

I can’t stop laughing today. Come to M2H if you need a cheer-up. I came in today in an OK mood, but now my face can’t stop smiling. I have the best time here. Happy to say that I become the person I was meant to be here. I smile definitely more here. And inside, I feel myself become light.

Today is even better than usual because it’s Judy’s birthday. It should be declared a national holiday. On Judy Day every eats pizza and plays Uno. Everyone has so much fun that they need to let happiness have a new name: judiness.

People will walk around saying, “I am so filled with judiness!” Then there will really be world peace. And since there will be no need for the UN, they will give the building to M2H. Then we will all move in, creating the world’s hot spot for spelling. Having moved in, we will squash ASHA to a pulp and Alex will be elected president. Capable spellers will take over the world…and everyone will live judily ever after.

Seeing that vision come true is impossible, obviously, but the sentiment behind it is real. Everyone could use a little judiness in their lives. The world would be a better place.

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9/24/2024 0 Comments

Alex and Me

I am really, really making it clear that Alex [Gorman] is my best friend. All my life I longed for someone to laugh with. Alex is the funniest person on Earth. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to seeing him twice a week. That needs to be clarified: that is all I see him because that’s how often I come here.

Alex has had it tougher than most of us. He is still undergoing treatment for the illness that destroyed his life for years. He has no Dad, since his walked out when he was young. He is maybe the happiest person even still. He makes everyone laugh their asses off. He is not only funniest - he is the smartest and also the most handsome.

So maybe others say that they are his besties: I am bestie too. Best friends are not limited to one. Can I allow others in his life? Of course he is allowed to have others, as long as there’s room for me.

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9/17/2024 0 Comments

Judys

I worked my parents over but good, and got my tortoise. I recommend that if you want one too, that you use big puppy eyes. It worked like a charm. So yeah, I got mine and named her Judy Cutie.

A few things to say about her:

Firstly she is far more beautiful than Alex’s tortoise. Mine is really stunning: his is…meh. I am so happy that Judy has the most beautiful shell! Most people think that tortoises are not smart. Judy, however, is a genius.

Secondly, Judy has the personality of her namesake. Calm and hilarious at the same time. I have the best time with both.

And there is more: they have made my life happier. I am happy. So so happy. I feel so much more like the Joss I should have been if I did not get dyspraxia. I feel myself growing in so many ways. Happy Joss is who I was meant to be.

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9/11/2024 1 Comment

My Real Birthday

I always dreamed of having life be more like those of the non-disabled. I had the dream of having real friends, not just the kids in the class. I am Hallmark
moment-ing: I have to remind myself that I am awake frequently. Each time I come to M2H I get teary inside, because I have real friends finally. Can you imagine life with no friends? Can you imagine the most happy moments of your life alone?

Happy moments are always with loved ones. Happiness is something shared. All my moments of happiness were in the company of someone I love. Maybe that explains why my happy birthday really was happy this year. All my friends were there. I am considering this year’s party to be my first real one.

It really is the celebration of my new life.

I am getting teary writing this. Call me crazy but…maybe I am really one now! One year now of being me. Hallmark moment again: definitely naming the new tortoise I am getting for my birthday Judy.

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8/27/2024 2 Comments

My Dreams

I am living the dream. I dreamed for thirty-two years that I’d talk. I dreamed I’d have a group of friends to laugh with. I dreamed I’d have a best girlfriend to share secrets with. I dreamed I’d find love. I dreamed I’d say to my parents, “I love you.” I dreamed I’d be able to learn. I dreamed I’d make the world a better place somehow. I dreamed I’d somehow matter.

Believe me, no one is more shocked than me to find out that all these things are really possible. I get so teary when I think that just a few months ago, none of them were possible. I can’t believe it still. Giving it thought, I haven’t yet fully absorbed it. My entire world has changed. Hallmark moment: I am so happy that ironically, there are no words.

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