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SUBLIMELY RIDICULOUS

Insights on Today's World

A Blog
by Nonspeaker, Wit, Sage and Standup Comic
Justin Abinanti

My name is Justin Abinanti and I am nonspeaking. I am most certainly verbal though. Many of my fellow nonspeakers are highly academic, but not me. I think I must have been born under a silly star. I’m eager to make it in comedy. I’ve given it thought and I am a born stand-up. Unfortunately the world is not quite ready for a stand-up comedian who cannot speak. Not being able to speak might hold some people back, but I am basically professionally resilient. Maybe I’ll never take over hosting the Tonight Show or starring at Caroline’s Comedy Club, but there are other ways to shine.

Thus my blog which gives me, a speller, a venue to comment on the idiocy, silliness, weirdness and hilarity of our world.

4/30/2024 0 Comments

Gala for Justin Abinanti is a Towering Success

On April 6, 2024, the Mouth to Hand annual gala took place in the Putnam County Golf Club. The press missed out on covering the event, wasting time on such trivialities as the Middle East and the presidential election. I therefore am providing the coverage they neglected to give.

I have to begin by stating that my Mom looked divine in her designer dress. My father looked distinguished as always. I, of course, was downright hot and sexy. I am hot and sexy every day, but was especially so that night. The ladies couldn’t keep their hands off of me.

In other news, Judy made the event memorable by reading my piece and showing my photo. I am kind of gorgeous so it’s hardly surprising that it was the high point of the night.

Fake News Network coverage of this event is brought to you by Justin Abinanti…and kind of by M2H.

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4/25/2024 0 Comments

My New Dream Job

I thought I wanted to become a comedian, but I am rethinking my career choice. I just read that the Penguin post office in Antarctica is hiring. I am most interested in the part of the part of the job that involves counting penguins.I always wanted to count penguins but didn’t know I could make a living at it. This job is like my dream come true: not only do I get to count penguins all day but I can go for weeks smelling like their poo. I don’t actually know what it smells like, but it’s probably better than the hummus I always smell like now.

I understand that I must be British to apply. I assume that’s ‘cause they are used to no running water and bathe in tubs on special occasions. The lack of decent plumbing is their norm anyway. I’m willing to become British if that’s what it takes. I’m heading straight to the tattoo parlor to have King Charles tattooed on my thigh. I’ll have a few thousand penguins tattooed on my body while I”m there. That way I can count them even after I retire.

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4/25/2024 0 Comments

Monkey Heads

There is no accounting for taste.

In February, customs agents at Logan Airport in Boston discovered eight pounds of bushmeat in a passenger’s luggage. In case you’re not familiar with the term bushmeat, it refers to meat from animals that most of mankind doesn’t realize are food sources. (It does not refer to fruit from bushes or any parts of former presidents.) In this case, it was mostly dried monkey heads.

There aren’t a lot of recipes that call for monkey heads but I suppose for more adventurous people, they might try to vary some classic dishes: chimp scampi, chimp santorini, chimp cocktail…which goes nicely with a bold glass of ape juice.

Unfortunately for that budding chef, his eight pounds of deliciousness were confiscated. I reckon there are a few customs agents with monkey breath. After all, waste not, want not!