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MY COGNITIVE BRAIN

BY KEITH MAKAR

Getting to this point, where I can spell relatively easily, has taken the better part of 4 years. It was considerably harder for me than most people. Definitely I am grateful that Judy persisted, even though I am difficult. It is hard for me to control my hand even now, but I can do it.

All my life I’ve been thought cognitively impaired because my mouth has a mind of its own. It babbles idiocy all day. I am not my mouth. I am what Judy calls my cognitive brain.

9/17/2026 2 Comments

Faith

Everyone has moments in life when they question if there is a God. Some people never have the intention of believing in Him. Some people never really think he doesn’t exist. Then there are those who honestly consider His existence in thoughtful musings. It certainly is difficult to believe in Him and His love during bad times.

It definitely seemed to me that I had been forgotten when I couldn’t talk. Inside my own body, I was loneliness itself. Now that I can talk, it really is clear to me that I had really not been forgotten. I believe now that I have the ability to talk that I have to ensure that Judy never has a moment of loss of faith.

Definitely she has reason to doubt sometimes. That is human. Everyone here tells her that it is important that she has faith. It’s critical. I believe that we need to support her in this.

There are things happening in the world that need Judy. That is critical to know.

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7/30/2026 0 Comments

Hope

I tried the holoboard today. It is insane. I can tell Judy is in beast mode. She is going to find something to make our lives better…or else.

I am looking at the future differently after my session today. The holoboard totally is great. (I am thinking that picking up blocks will be easier.) It really has the potential to make us independent. Then Judy showed me videos of devices that use brainwaves. I can definitely do them. It suddenly feels like there is a future where we are independent.

I think that everything will change then. Once we can type without a CP, ASHA will have to change their tune. I am suddenly filled with hope. I see a future where I am typing all day every day. I am sitting at the table with my family and chatting too.

There is hope.

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6/18/2026 0 Comments

Judy's Brain

It is more and more obvious that I really, certainly do best with having Judy CP. I have had time to think since my last blog post. I am definitely in a happier place when she is next to me. My ideas are clear, and I can think so well. I think certainly when I am not with her, but it’s like wading through quicksand.

This needs to be studied ‘cause it’s important. How can someone affect someone else’s brain like that? My brain literally works better when she is next to me. There is something about Judy’s brain that is different, I think. It is important that we learn what that is.

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6/2/2026 0 Comments

Quiet Minds

It has been a long time since I blogged. In the past year, I was working with a different practitioner other than Judy. Definitely I am so happy to be here with her. I smiled when I found out I was coming to see her. Judy is more calm than anyone else and that relaxes me.

I am contemplating what it is that makes her so calming. I think that certainly her thoughts are not chaotic. It has made me realize how chaotic everyone is. It is remarkable actually how quiet her mind is. There is no static or noise at all. If a stray thought passes through her mind, it blows away like a little cloud. It may make these sessions with her the greatest peace I experience.

The fact is, most people have noisy minds. They are thinking many things at once. It is dysregulating to us. It makes it hard to say anything. It has people failing as CPs, and that is limiting to us. I wish everyone could quiet their minds - then we could spell with everyone.

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5/12/2025 0 Comments

Medicine: An Update

My Mom took me to see Alex’s psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. I believe that he’s the first psychiatrist that I’ve met that I’ve liked. All the others were buttheads. Dr. Minhas was not a condescending asshole like the previous one. He listened to my Mom carefully, and understood that regular medicines have never helped me. All my life doctors have discounted the severity of my OCD because I am not aggressive. But literally every second of every day I am OCDing. Dr. Minhas is the first to get how bad it is.

I am on only a low dose of the medicine that has helped Alex, and already I can feel it working. My body is starting to relax, and my OCD brain is calming down. My mouth is making less noise and my stimming hands have totally vanished.

I get to increase the dose now. I’m excited to see how I feel in a couple of weeks.

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4/28/2025 0 Comments

My Reflections on RFK's Speech

It is all we are talking about - RFK’s acknowledgement of the autism epidemic, and his commitment to finding out what happened to us. We are so happy that he shone a spotlight on us and our suffering. Now people know we exist and that we and our families need help. He did what no one else has had the guts to do: he said that the epidemic is real and that it needs to end. I want to be cured - or at least to suffer less by having some control over my body. I believe in science, and I believe that if we really tried, we could come up with a solution. He said some harsh truths; but he does need to understand that we nonspeakers are different from those with real autism.

Maybe someday he could come here to meet us. All of us would be thrilled.

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4/21/2025 2 Comments

Rejected!

I got thrown out of my certainly horrible day program…much to my joy. I know it was stressful for my Mom, and I didn’t do anything on purpose, but I am overjoyed.

It sucked anyway.

It is not my fault that they decided that I am too much trouble. I am thrilled that they did though, because it means that I can come here more. Starting tomorrow I get to join a poetry class, and biology. I am excited to start learning new things, and to hang out with friends. I have missed that ever since I got taken out of book club.

Because I am definitely not difficult, it shocked Judy that I got thrown out. I believe that Mom was somewhat surprised. They did not try to accept my issues; instead they just chucked me.

I am so happy.

2 Comments

2/17/2025 0 Comments

Moms Are the Greatest

Once again my Mom saved me. She read research that said that vitamin B6 can help. So she started me on it, and just like the study reported, after five days I could sit again. My watch tracks my steps. The akathisia had me walking about thirty-three thousand steps a day, on average. After a few days on the vitamin, that dropped to eleven thousand. After five days, it was only four or five.

You cannot imagine the relief I feel. It was like living in hell. Now I’m so calm, I’m positively mellow.

Moms rock.

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2/10/2025 0 Comments

Moms Rock

I am suffering from something that makes me need to move all the time. I know that it is called akathisia, but I am not on any meds now, so we don’t know the cause. I am going insane with it. I am praying that my Mom figures out how to help me.

That our mothers always need to figure out things like this is ridiculous. It shouldn’t be up to them - it should be doctors helping us. But all my life it was my mother who looked for ways to help me. I have no faith in doctors. They don’t live with us, so they don’t know how much we and our families suffer. I have faith in my Mom, though. I hate putting it on her but..she will figure it out.

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2/3/2025 3 Comments

A Shock

When I walked in today, Judy asked me if I want to make a video for an upcoming conference that she is doing in June with a Connecticut organization called Abilis. I responded that I am really not a good enough speller. She looked shocked, and asked me what I am smoking. “Keith, you are a great speller now! You are fast and accurate.”

That astonished me. It was incredibly difficult to master this. I really struggled for years to get my hand to the letters. It made me insanely happy to hear her say that. I guess it never occurred to me that I had mastered this, because it is still so hard for me. It was a revelation to me to learn that I am an accomplished speller. What a surprise that was!

I guess that just goes to show that hard work and a great teacher can work miracles.

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