Blog Archives

9/30/2024 1 Comment

Anxiety Sucks

I have such bad anxiety sometimes that I can’t do things that I want to do. For example, I desperately want to go to a Yankee game. It’s one of my biggest dreams. But when we tried this year, I couldn’t go in. And I desperately wanted to go into the banquet room at the gala this year, but I couldn’t. I am tired of anxiety ruining my life.

It even made a big liar out of me. I wrote about that in a previous post. Anxiety forces me to do things that I hate and doesn’t let me do things I want to do so badly it hurts. Why do so many of us have these issues? As if being nonspeaking weren’t bad enough, there are so many things that make it worse.

I feel like I could accept being nonspeaking if I could at least do things I want. If I knew that I could go to ballgames or go to parties or be in college classes or do all the things normal people do, I could at least be happy. As of this minute, I feel like I am just waiting for the next time I can’t do something. And that feels terrible.

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9/23/2024 20 Comments

Feeling Normal

All the years that I was trapped inside, there were things that I wanted to do so badly it hurt. Talking was the main one, obviously, but there were so many others. One of the biggest wants was education. Another was real friends. And I wanted, so badly, to hang out with friends and have fun. We know that we fit in nowhere except M2H…but we have it, and that makes everything ok. There are moments here when I forget I am disabled. What does that say about the culture of this place?

I dreamed of being invited to friends’ birthday parties and graduation parties, etc. I’d envision the invitation coming in the mail, and opening the envelope, and feeling the excitement and anticipation. And the party would be fancy, and have a DJ, and have servers carrying silver trays with a lot of different foods. I would be dressed up and I’d eat a ton - and then dance for hours - and feel like a normal person.
Alex is inviting me to his bar mitzvah. I can’t tell you what this means to me. Suffice to say that it has literally made a dream come true.

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9/16/2024 19 Comments

Shock

I believe no one has had real expectations for me until now. I am sitting here in Judy’s office kind of in shock. We are talking about having me tested so that I can take the high school equivalency exam. Never in a million years did I think I would be having this discussion in my lifetime. The idea of having a chance to get my diploma was laughable.

These days, I suddenly have it in my head that maybe, just maybe, the old way of seeing myself is no longer valid. Maybe Luke Gilmore determines who Luke Gilmore is…not some idiotic teachers at school. All my life I was treated as a moron who had zero potential. Now I am looking to get my diploma and to go to college. It’s my dreams come true. So yeah, I’m sitting here in shock. It’s like I’ve entered an alternative universe. Maybe Judy is our guardian angel…and she lets us achieve our dreams of being our true selves.

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9/16/2024 0 Comments

Misery

I had a tough August for many reasons. Firstly, next to Jimmy, Alex is my best friend, and he was hospitalized for almost three weeks. Secondly, that meant Judy was away for weeks too. And finally, certain events at home had me totally stressed out. I am not proud of myself, but I need to confess to stop others from doing what I did. I told my parents a terrible lie so they would not go on a trip. I could not cope with the stress of them leaving: my OCD went nuts. And so I lied, to try to force them to not go.

Anxiety and OCD are hell. I don’t have the words to describe the misery they put me through.