The Need For Stims

Have you ever made a mistake?  Having apraxia gets harder when we are making a lot of mistakes. It is like a downward spiral that has no end. 


Having apraxia means that we make a lot of mistakes.  All intentional movement is hard for us to complete so we make plenty of mistakes.  Hitting the wrong letter on the letterboard  makes the worst mistake ‘cause many cps will think you wanted it.  But many mistakes are really minor.  Like sorting things wrong in school or taking someone else’s water; stuff that has really no consequences.

I realize that making mistakes is normal. That is part of life. There is a big difference, however, between those with apraxia who have no communication and speakers. People with apraxia make mistakes and cannot explain that. They have no way to correct it; they have no way to ask for help. So they stim and stim and stim. 

Really thought about this a lot and I think stims (perseverative behaviors) were originally coping mechanisms. I needed to stim to work out my frustration. I needed an outlet. But having stims all the time will become an addiction. That is what I think. Every time I stimmed to escape my frustration I got more addicted to it. 

That has had lots of negative repercussions.  Stimming constantly keeps me too agitated – like a simmering pot – so when really tough things occur I quickly boil and explode.

Want to really quit.  That would be great.  Truly that would save me lots of embarrassment.  I feel stupid when people look – really stare – at me because I am stimming and especially when I boil and explode.  Trading in my stims would be fine, but every time I feel the need to stim I really sort of want to reach for one.  Like people who smoke, I think.