A Very Bad Day

I am certainly a horrible person today. I just punched my Mom in the face over a stupid phone that my stupid OCD is telling me I must have, for no logical reason. I’ve been struggling more and more lately with OCD and anxiety. I have no idea why. And I have been getting angrier and angrier over the OCD things, like the cell phone and tablet. And the thing is, my cognitive brain doesn’t even want them. So why is it suddenly a matter of life and death that I get them?


I cannot control the desperate need no matter how hard I try. I think to myself, “You don’t need the stupid phone. You want to be sitting with the guys talking to Grandpa Wally. And I do want to.  But there is a stranger in my head saying, “Get the cell phone now, or you will DIE. Kill anyone who keeps it away from you. Get it or die! Die! Die! Die! Die!”  And then all I can think about is the stupid cell phone. That is my nightmare…that I can’t get it…and I feel like I’m suffocating until I have it. As the panic rises, my ability to really think vanishes.

I definitely need real help. Taking medicines doesn’t really help. And now on top of the OCD nightmare, I feel like shooting myself because I hurt my Mom. I just have to hope that something out there can help me.