MOUTH TO HAND LEARNING CENTER

A GIRL'S HEART

BY KAITLIN FLAHERTY

Almost all nonspeakers are male. Here at M2H, I am in a poetry club: me and five guys. I am in a book club: me and four guys. I am in a math club…me and a bunch of guys. There are only a handful of girls here, amid a sea of boys. This place is swimming in testosterone. I am thankful that so many of these men are my friends. And of course I have the best boyfriend on earth. But there are differences in the perspectives of men and women. As a nonspeaking woman, I have experiences and thoughts that are only feminine in nature.

Of course there are many things in common among us nonspeakers. But in this blog, I’ll talk from my girl’s heart.

7/15/2025 0 Comments

OCD: An Update

I am not apparently having a great response to the medicine for OCD. I can’t tell that I am even on it. Being so OCD will probably take a long time to treat. I have had it for such a long time, which doesn’t help I’m sure. Plus, I am on such a tiny amount.

But it’s hard not to lose hope. As I sit here with Judy I am picking incessantly; and I am biting my non-existent fingernails; and I am wiping my face over and over, and the letterboard too…and I can’t freaking stop. External sources are nonexistent: it never changes. It starts the minute I wake up and lasts until I fall asleep.

Does being this severe mean I can’t be treated? I hope not.

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5/23/2025 0 Comments

Medicine...At Last

I have certainly been getting worse and worse with my OCD lately. I cannot stop picking everything from my eyelashes to my clothes to garbage off the floor. I want to stop so badly it hurts…but I can’t. I have finally gone to see Dr. Minhas, the psychiatrist who is helping so many Mouth to Handers. I thought he was great in that he was not condescending to either me or my mother. He listened carefully and then recommended a medicine that may help my OCD.

Definitely I am getting the sense that OCD is difficult to treat. Being that I have had it for so long, I really don’t expect miracles. All I hope for at this point is a little relief. Just to have the OCD ease up enough to give me some time each day to not be picking would be a major victory.

Feeling the way I do every day is hell on earth. I am anxious to see how I do.

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5/9/2025 0 Comments

Our Lost Promise

I know that Alex has been depressed lately. He is always happy so that is particularly distressing to me. All of us are intelligent, but he is in a class unto himself. He is feeling that heartbreak that we all feel: that we will never be what we should have been.

I too think about this all the time. It is our tragedy. He is mourning the Alex that should have been. And then those speaking people with autism blast RFK for daring to suggest that we need a cure.

Alex is a hero to all of us here. But he should have been a hero to mankind, because he has the brilliance and heart. All of us were capable of doing so much. I just hope something happens soon to allow us to fulfill even a fraction of that promise.

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5/2/2025 3 Comments

Nonspeakers Unite!

All of us here at M2H believe that the world is changing out there. Awkward to say perhaps, but being in the “26% of profoundly autistic” makes me desperately want a cure. Being one of the profoundly autistic ones gives me a unique perspective on all of this.

Good for you if you are “autistic” and can speak and go to college and live independently. Good for you if you have a girl or boy friend, and can get married someday, and have a job. Good for you if you can make signs, and march around screaming that your autism is a gift.

But don’t you DARE try to speak for us.

I believe that you and your big mouths have held up autism research for far too long. But we can talk now too…at least some of us can. And we want a cure. My voice may be silent, but my typing finger is not. Being nonspeaking is hell. And if those of you who are blessed to be able to speak had an ounce of compassion, you would fight with us, not against us.

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3/28/2025 1 Comment

The Bar Mitzvah

I went to Alex’s bar mitzvah on Saturday and it was the best day of my life. The synagogue service was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Being there and seeing Alex typing the Hebrew was the most magnificent thing I’ve ever seen. My body won’t cry, but I was bawling inside. It meant more to me than I can express. I knew how sick he was for all those years, so to see him on that stage, so calm and happy, had me weeping inside from happiness.

His sermon was totally the most beautiful thing ever. He talked about the building of the tabernacle in the desert, after the Israelites left Egypt. They gave so much that Moses had to tell them to stop giving. In giving generously, the people built a place that God could come to, to be with them. Alex compared that to M2H. Judy built it out of love and generosity - and God comes wherever there are acts of love.

As I sat there, my body was calmer than I ever remember, and even my OCD vanished. God was there because there was so much love. It felt beyond wonderful - and I know we all felt it. That was the greatest moment of my life.

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3/14/2025 0 Comments

Self-Image

I hate how I look. When I said that to Judy today, she responded, “Welcome to girl-hood!” I am laughing now because that is kind of true. I don’t think I know even one girl who loves how she looks. I guess I never thought of that until Judy made that comment.

Why is that, I wonder? I think it really may be influence by the media. In thinking about it, I realize that I have only ever seen super skinny models. How insidious! I’ll bet they are all starving most of the time. I wouldn’t be surprised if half of them had anorexia. I have no doubt that many of them are underweight.

On top of that, now that I’m thinking of it, how many of them had plastic surgery?

I never thought much about influence before. Maybe my self-image is unrealistic. I will have to consider that.

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2/28/2025 0 Comments

The Possible

Alex’s bar mitzvah is in three weeks and the excitement is building. I believe I have never been so excited about anything in my life. Alex is a hero to all of us here at M2H because he does things that we all thought were impossible. To stand up in front of a congregation and read in another language is insane. To sit through three days of testing and to pass the high school equivalency exam is incredible. I believe that must take a Herculean effort because it’s so hard for us to sit still. But when you see with your own eyes that a nonspeaker just like you is doing these things, you gotta believe.

So in three weeks I get to see something that I couldn’t even have dreamed of a few years ago. Now you understand why I’m beside myself with excitement. It feels like the walls that penned us in are crumbling.

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1/24/2025 0 Comments

Dreams That Won't Come True

A girl can dream. I really want to go to college, but in my current state that is impossible. I estimate that at least ninety-five percent of my waking hours are spent engaging in OCD behaviors. It takes forever for me to say anything. I know I could never make it through the high school equivalency exam in the time allotted. I am definitely more than intelligent enough. It makes me distraught to know that this dream is unlikely to ever come true.

I will watch others pass me by as they get their high school diplomas and start college. I already have a younger sister who will be finishing college soon, and my little brother will be starting in a couple of years.

I believe my heart will break.

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11/15/2024 2 Comments

Mouth Noise

Being nonspeaking is beyond awful in so many ways certainly, most obvious but some more subtle. Having no ability to talk most of the time is incredibly stressful. Having to be reliant upon others for everything is humiliating beyond belief. Having to allow others to have access to us in the bathroom is degrading. Plus, there is the lack of autonomy. I cannot make a single decision for myself. Having behavior issues, in terms of my OCD, is like the cherry on the sundae.

But wait! There’s more! No matter how much I show people I am intelligent, they continue to talk to me like I am an idiot. Every day I must hear ten thousand times that it’s not time for pizza. I can’t stop my mouth from saying, “I want pizza,” and you only have to spend five minutes with me to realize that. I can be eating a hamburger, which is my favorite food, and my mouth will be saying, “I want pizza.” Obviously I don’t want pizza, so why are you telling me that it’s not time for pizza, like I am a moron. It’s beyond annoying to me.

No one who spends any time with we nonspeakers, and who believes in our intelligence, believes that mouth noise is anything but noise.

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10/25/2024 1 Comment

Getting My Super Freak On

I am so excited about the dance next week that I can’t sleep. I have to say that I especially love this year’s theme, Back to the Eighties. Eighties music was great. I am a fan of The Police and The Fine Young Cannibals. I also love Billy Idol and Lionel Ritchie. Besides, Judy’s favorite song is I’m Walking on Sunshine, which is from the eighties.

Every year when I am getting excited about the dance, I think about the fact that there are so many fun things in my life, now that Mouth to Hand exists. It doesn’t get old, and I never take it for granted. After so many years of hopelessness, to have the ability to do so many wonderful things is a dream come true.

So yeah, in a week I’ll be getting my leg warmers on and boogieing all night to the strains of Cindy Lauper singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!”...

…cause they do.

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